It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
