Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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