Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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