Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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