Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We have started to decorate penises.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
