oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
