Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
