sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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