still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
PANTIES FOUND
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