this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
