I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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