Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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