I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
