Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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