my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
