Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
