booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
