Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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