Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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