the condom got lost in my hair
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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