I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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