My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
