I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
