guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
