if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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