if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
