puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
