I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
