Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
