Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
