Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
