I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you had me at cake vodka
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
