Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
