i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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