I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
