You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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