So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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