he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
