Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
