The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
