I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
