girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
