I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
