Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
