would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
