mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you win again, gameday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
