He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
