Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
