Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
