The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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