One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
